Everyone has favorite things. I’m not talking about a crackling fire or the smell of cut grass, but real tangible things. And let’s be honest. Nobody really sits around thinking about raindrops on roses or whiskers on kittens. Who’s thankful that kittens have whiskers? Isn’t it just naturally assumed they’ll be born with them? Are some poor kittens born without whiskers, the poor suckers running around hairless and whimpering? If someone is even thinking of cat whiskers, I suggest they find a hobby.
Here are a few of my favorite things that are actually cool. Raindrops on roses, I swear.
(1) Perrier with Lime. It’s sparkly. It makes me feel fancy. There’s just no need to drink tap water when you can drink spring water from the south of France. No’ sir.
(2) Starbucks blond-roast. It’s smooth and silky. It gets me through the morning after a long bender of writing.
(3) Gruyere cheese. Anytime, anyplace. Even my five-year-old knows to stay away from it. It’s more precious to me than chocolate chips. And that says a lot.
(4) Oatmeal dark-chocolate cookies from scratch. Nothing can top it. Except for perhaps Gruyere, but that’s not a fair comparison.
(5) TIVO. I can no longer comprehend a world where you cannot pause live television and fast-forward through commercials. I shudder to imagine it.
(6) MAC powder. It’s quick, and it covers your sags, bags, and dark circles. It’s better than a night’s sleep for the look of your skin. I’m always a sucker for those MAC salespeople, their faces all painted up with odd colors and tool belts of brushes dangling from their hips.
(7) Down bedding. I like to lie on top of it, wallow underneath it, and basically sleep atop one big marshmallow.
(8) Loreal Tubes Mascara. Just go buy it. You’ll thank me. It peels off your eyelashes in little tubes, and I think that’s just glorious.
(9) My apple computer. If I didn’t have it, I’d crawl back to the store scratching and crying and immediately buy another. I’m a total addict.
(10) Salted caramels from Dean & Deluca. Or Williams-Sonoma. I’m not that picky, I swear. Okay, maybe a little. If you get me caramels from Target I’m throwing them in the trash.
On the other hand, there are things I can’t stand:
(1) Hominy. It’s bloated and strange. It looks like little tiny fur balls. Why eat corn that’s all puffy and weird tasting?
(2) Shrimp. To me, they are the ocean’s cockroaches. I stay far, far away. Don’t tell me they’re good on the grill. Do you roast other pesky insect-like creatures and sprinkle sea salt on top? I don’t think so.
(3) Daytime television. You deplete brain cells by watching it. Resist the urge to find out who slept with the pub owner’s cousin who recently was convicted of murdering the Baroness’ housekeeper. Because honestly, these aren’t real people. Who the heck cares.
(4) Double negatives. You don’t gotta do it. You just don’t.
(5) Candles that smell like cinnamon rolls. They make you hungry. Why torture yourself? Wouldn’t you rather smell flowers or fresh linen? Why walk around with your mouth watering?
(6) Car commercials. Someday I’m going to hear a witty and soft-toned commercial about how a car can change your life. But until then, all I see is a bunch of bad ties, balloons, and unnecessary yelling.
(7) Cheap eye shadow. You know when you are on vacation and you forget your make-up? You end up at Wal-mart buying Cover Girl? It’s trash. Go free and natural until you can head back to Nordstrom. Trust me on this.
(8) Automated phone trees that don’t use “0” for the operator. Why use six or some other goofy number? Zero, people!
(9) Rice cakes. There is just no need to eat cardboard.
(10) When celebrities gripe about their private life being overly exposed. Choose to be a veterinarian, and your problems are solved. But the moment you get paid over two million to be in a movie, I get to know what your dog’s name is and what color underwear you like best. That’s the way this thing works. Deal?
Until next time. . .