(1) Yes, I realize that feeding the dog one scoop of food is something we have to do every single day, and this chore is extremely onerous. But somehow, I know you’ll overcome.
(2) Yes, you have lovely teeth. No, they don’t at all look large, protruding like boulders out of your very small mouth.
(3) Please stop squirting room spray on your pillow to help you fall asleep. Your hair will smell nothing like ocean breezes. This stuff is swill.
(4) No, you can’t have a Chai tea. What are you, like 27? Have I ever ordered you that at Starbucks? You can have an apple juice and a healthy dose of normal childhood, thank-you-very-much.
(5) I’m sorry I ironed on the Daisy pedals in the wrong order but in like five minutes you go through a transition bridging ceremony and you’ll be an official Brownie and won’t need this Daisy vest anyway so please get up off the floor for heaven’s sakes.
(6) It’s not a cartwheel when you land on both feet. Is that a round-off? Oh sweetie – did you just fall over? Oh I see. It’s your made-up gymnastics move. Clever.
(7) Please stop eating all the gruyere. They make icky American cheese for you children of the world who don’t really give a rip.
(8) Yes, take your purse. You never know when you might need sparkling lip gloss, a bar of soap, and an empty wallet with fake money in it when we go to the grocery store.
(9) Why is there a bar of soap in your purse?
(10) It’s really just eggs and potatoes and onions with herbs but instead of all that let’s call it Fancy French Eggs. Au Revoir!
(11) You will play piano because I said so, and it will increase your skills in all areas of life, and will provide you a ticket into the “I used to play piano when I was little but I hated all that practice but I gave it up and now all I can play is chopsticks” world of adulthood. You’re welcome. It’s better than “we sang opera in our underwear.” At least I’m giving you something you can actually use.
(12) No, we cannot plant corn in the front flowerbed. I know that would be “so awesome” but so is the Batmobile and you don’t see me rocking that in the carpool line.
(13) It’s true that I love you more than the entire world combined. Because God shines through your veins like a flashlight, illuminating the world with good. Please don’t stop accepting my love, even when I’m old and stinky.