(1) Pigs are actually very clean. I’ve read this in books. Someone taught this to my children. These animals roll around in mud and eat slop. Whatever to the whole “they do it to keep cool” business. There’s a terrible stench and buzzing flies. If I wasn’t allergic, I’d choose a cat. They seem clean. They lick themselves at least.
(2) I’m watching my carbs, so I’m cutting out wine. I hear the words, but they simply don’t register in my brain. I have an innate and primal need to translate this “I’m on a diet so I cut out all non-essential food (including, but not limited to, oreos) so I can partake of wine, thank the Lord.” That’s really the only way it works in my head. Sorry.
(3) Time heals all wounds. No, it doesn’t. It just numbs them sometimes, and hides them for me to scream in panic and/or heartbreak years later when I see a picture or a sticky note from 1998. Healing belongs to the Lord. See also girlfriends, kisses from children, and homemade mother’s day cards.
(4) Piece of Cake. I know this means “it’s easy,” but why? Is eating a piece of cake really the easiest thing you can possibly do? Wouldn’t just tying your shoe actually be simpler? No silverware, plates, or sticky lips? Taking a nap, staring at Facebook, even sitting in a chair– all easier. The next time your boss tells you he is wildly impressed with the report you put together, just say “It’s really not biggie. It was like staring aimlessly at my cubicle wall.” Ick. Don’t actually say that. Stick with the cake bit.
(5) He just wants to have his cake and eat it too. I’m perplexed by all the cake references, and the apparent oddity of having cake in front of you and also eating it. The horror. Wait – that’s what I do. Do people have cake and NOT eat it? Maybe I’ve been doing it wrong all these years. The next birthday party I’m just going to look around to see what other folks are doing with the sweets set in front of them. I feel like an idiot that I’ve been eating it all these years. No one told me.
(6) Think outside the box. Please, people of the world. Let’s all just shake hands and decide to never say this again. I’m quite sure whoever was originally inside the box have left town, and it’s just one big old western movie ghost town, and if you can simply cobble together a coherent doodle of the president you’ve exited those wretched four walls. So yay. Moving on.
(7) It only costs a cup of coffee a day. This is usually reserved for charitable causes, and somehow to me it just seems deceitful, because when I hear it I’m usually thinking “like the venti double frap, or a simple cup of joe? Because there’s a three dollar twelve cent difference there and that just seems wrong to lump it all together in one pile.” Think outside the box, charitable organizations. Come up with a new slogan.
(8) There is no smoking in the airplane lavatory. Welcome to 2013. Ain’t nobody going to go light a camel in the airplane bathroom. Let’s move on past the 1950’s and begin to explain to passengers how leaving your cell phone on might possibly mess with the plane’s navigation. We aren’t morons and we need a real answer. I’ve not seen a plane yet end up in Toledo because someone fired up their Kindle.
(9) Dog’s mouths are cleaner than a human mouth. Hogwash. My dog eats crap in the front yard. I use Listerine. Enough said.
(10) There are no stupid questions. Yes, there are. Like “where’s the restroom?” when it’s clearly marked, or “do we have homework?” when it’s in the syllabus, or “do you have a poop?” when you smell it as your child walks by. I realize I’ve asked all those questions and eaten cake, so I’m obviously a ridiculous nightmare.