(1) Hey Mr. Timberlake? Can you bake and fix leaky faucets and design rockets to be sent to the moon? Because you can do pretty much everything else. I, along with all other women on Earth (and some on Saturn), love you.
(2) Taylor, honey. You’re getting prettier by the day and I absolutely adore your vintage look but please stop dancing like you’re in your living room with a karaoke machine. Just sway and clap and try looking demure when the camera pans the crowd.
(3) Selena Gomez’ video totally rocked it and I’m pumped she won an award, but she looks like a 12-year-old with boobs and I am just so confused whether I’m supposed to think she’s sexy or call CPS because her mother allowed her to leave the house in a corset.
(4) I’m looking at red-carpet pictures. Who are these people? Should I have heard of them?
(5) My dear daughter: Everyone has a rebellious phase. I get it. But instead of going all Miley Cyrus on me where you feel a need to shave your head, dance around in your skivvies in front of millions and gyrate next to overstuffed life-size creepy teddy bears whilst sticking out your tongue, please just write out your heartbreak into best sellers like Taylor Swift so at least your angst has some purpose instead of generating pity. Plus, Taylor makes more money, wins awards, has trouble finding dates hence the TMI, and wears 1950’s-esk unflattering swim apparel. That’s a win/win for mom.
(6) Robin Thicke, we get it that you like sex. But can we move on from this one song already? The lines are no longer blurry. They’re just making me yawn.
(7) Seriously, Miley, was your childhood that bad? Because I wanted to invite you to my home, wrap you up in blankets, tell you that you’re special inside, play Mister Rogers, and we can drink hot tea together.
(8) You know you’ve made it big when you can wear a grill to a major awards show and people are all “Oh. There’s Katy Perry with gold sparkling teeth. Coolio.”
(9) Remember babysitting and after the kids went down you sat on the couch sipping seven-up out of champagne flutes watching Billy Joel’s We Didn’t Start the Fire on MTV and feeling so freaking cool? Member that? And when the parents got home you were like OMG they are totally going to kill me and think I’m drinking and so I’ll just casually mention it’s just seven-up and that the kids were SO AWESOME and we played ELEVEN games of Barbie wedding and Mackenzie rode on my back like a camel. Well, for some reason I had the same reaction to the 30 Seconds to Mars video. As in that classic, old-school, rock-and-roll, beds-burning feel. Not the “oh crap they’re already home from Outback Steakhouse / this was a lame way to make ten bucks / now I have to go home and drink seven-up in a can because my folks don’t own champagne flutes” type of feeling.
(10) Whatever to the Lady Gaga haters. I thought her little slow-song hair-change montage was just fine. Just because she wore some boring wigs and didn’t jump out of a plane wearing a dress made out of skittles doesn’t mean she’s out of touch. She’s sick of all the make-up and wants to listen to music peacefully in her sea-shell bikini. Geez.
(11) I’m wondering why my youthful rebellion only constituted champagne flutes filled with soda. That is so lame.
(12) Did Katy Perry honestly just jump rope and then continue singing? I’d be like “hold up there, folkzies. Momma’s got a side cramp.” I swear – pop stars are like super humans. Which is why Justin Timberlake has fans on Saturn. It all makes sense.