NPR: Today we have with us the head of environmental policy under President Trump, Larry Stewart.
Larry: That’s me!
NPR: Yes, we know it’s you. We invited you. We see you here in the studio. Thank you for taking the time out of your busy day to speak with us about climate change.
Larry: I’m not sure what you’re talking about.
NPR: With regard to climate change? Do you not understand what that phrase means or are you just confused as to what’s going on generally? It’s Studio 11B. You’re at NPR. Your name is Larry. You used to be the lead singer of Restless Heart, a country band, but now you apparently run the nation’s top environmental agency.
Larry: Look, I’ll make this brief. The President has informed us to open up land and fields to oil companies for drilling. It’s that simple. We are opening up our hearts and minds and welcoming in the money. Don’t try to stop me, the boy’s on a roll.
NPR: This is a drastic shift in policy translating into a bill in Congress or is it just the whim of – wait what? Who’s trying to stop who? What boy?
Larry: Just trying to make American great again.
NPR: Look. I realize this is tough but let’s try to focus on the fact that references to climate change appear to be scrubbed from government websites. Can you comment on this?
Larry (laughing): Nobody scrubbed anything about this thing you reference that we should not talk about.
NPR: We know that minds may differ, Larry, but can we not all agree there is at least the existence of an environment on our planet? That we have in the past had some studies in regard to this issue? Can you comment on this at all, Larry?
Larry: I find that you are using my name quite a bit in your questions. I’m not sure if this is meant to throw me off. But I’m a hard-hitter and believe that big dreams can exist in a small town and I’m not sure why everything has to be right or wrong.
NPR: Those are Restless Heart lyrics, Larry. Why are you quoting us music lyrics when we asked you why the government is eliminating any reference to climate change?
Larry: That rock won’t roll.
NPR: Is that some reference to our earth? As in the earth is a rock and it won’t roll? Because it does roll in the sense that it’s spinning. You do know about this, right Larry? That the earth spins?
Larry: It’s a freedom that we all wanna know. It’s an obsession to some, to keep the world in your rearview mirror while you try to run down the sun.
NPR: THAT IS ANOTHER SONG LYRIC. We have google, Larry. Did the President just pluck you from Kentucky and put you in the government overseeing all of our environmental policy when you know zero about the environment?
Larry: I don’t like your tone. We are defunding you.
NPR: I apologize. I let the sheer absurdity of the situation at hand get the better of me. But the EPA doesn’t have any authority or jurisdiction over funding for public radio. Why would you even say that?
Larry: We owned this town.
NPR: WHY DO YOU CONTINUE TO QUOTE COUNTRY SONGS TO ME. YOUR GLORY DAYS ARE OVER.
Larry: I run the EBA and I can do what I want. I’ll have you know I was a very big deal in 1986 and the mullet was a stylish haircut.
NPR: It’s the Environmental Protection Agency, Larry. Not sure what the “B” is for.
Larry: Say what’s in your heart.
NPR: Okay we’re done.
Recorded on January 11, 2018
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photo:
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