A Letter to Country Club Patrons About Passing Gas at the Annual Charity Gala



Loosen up that corset, Gertrude

Ladies and Gentleman,

Thank you for being members in our prestigious club.  We pride ourselves in having the richest, most distinguished, most polished residents that enjoy golfing, sneering, gossiping, day drinking, tennis, and apparently eating a lot of beans.  We love you.  But, we had a little issue last year at the charity gala we’d like to bring to your attention. Don’t be alarmed.  We received all your letters about how we over-salted the potatoes.  We won’t make that mistake again!

But there was an issue that bubbled up that needs to be brought to your attention. It appears that a small minority of you felt it was appropriate to release certain gasses that may have put others in imminent harm.  Both the Darling and Stevenson families had to leave early due to breathing difficulties from such a large load of methanol released into the air. Dr. Darling is our biggest patron and has an issue with smells.  He is now asking for us to use lavender dryer sheets for the golf towels, and of course we have to oblige. Please don’t make us pander.

Such gasses, which we will simply refer to as “dissonance” to our otherwise harmonious air, likely exited the cavities of several of our patron’s bodies, causing a volatile odor in the ballroom. The wait staff said it was hard to refill tea glasses and take up dirty plates from tables due to the sulfur-like odor they described as smelling like “a skunk who ate a bad batch of lobster topped with a feces crumble.”

The scent varies from person to person depending on his or her biochemistry, bacteria in the colon, whether or not a person has class, or is named Larry.  According to a local flatologist, such gas contains nitrogen, hydrogen, carbon dioxide, your self esteem, oxygen, and some methane.  Many of these compounds are highly flammable, and our fire chief insists upon the strict adherence to our fire code.  We can’t have any possible fire hazards with this many sternos burning on our buffet tables.

Now listen here. We realize that gumbo was a poor first course last year.  We will also strive to never again serve steamed cabbage and will stick to more basic foods that won’t cause your rear end to light up like a blow torch.  But you must do your part.  If you feel something rumbling and gathering up steam, please eat some cheese, squeeze all the body openings or cavities that might have some relation to this potential toxicity, and don’t move until the urge passes.  Even if there is a fire drill.  Especially if there is a fire drill.  By moving, you will add to the problem.

In sum, please control yourself in this year’s gala.  The planning committee worked very hard on this year’s theme, which is “A starry night.”  That is representative of a clear night so that you can see the stars and they don’t want it to turn into a cloudy misty night that smells like rotten eggs. If you must let one rip, please go out on the golf course and wait until the wind is blowing in an eastwardly direction toward the town house of Michael Stevens, who failed to pay his annual dues but is the only tennis pro in the county who will work for free.

We thank you for your patience and we are looking forward to an evening that reeks only of expensive perfume and money.

Yours most truly,

The Riverdale Country Club