Modern Conversations with Children

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MONDAY

Hey kids! I realize last week I said “oh, man I dodged that bullet” when I had the time down wrong on the parent/teacher conference, but that was a harmless expression.  Now we are talking about actual bullets that come from real weapons.  I realize half your friends are angry teenagers wearing black carrying backpacks, but learn to have a more discerning eye.

TUESDAY

Hello lovelies! Let’s go to the park after school today! Not the actual park outside (#allergies) but the one inside a fast-foot restaurant where I can watch you at every moment (#pedophiles). Go have fun at school and be sure to enjoy every moment and smell the flowers (but not too closely because of the pollen).

WEDNESDAY

Hey Sweetcakes! A super-resistant flu strand is going around (thanks to the overuse of antibiotics) so this time I’d like for you to power wash your hands with bleach-vinegar wash three times and you’re going to be drinking  a concoction daily of apple cider vinegar mixed with elderberry flower before and after dinner.  Don’t complain about the fact that it tastes like you’re drinking pool cleaner.  Consider it a blessing I’m #alloverit with your health.  And you are forbidden to eat the stupid Sun chips your friend Mike is giving you at lunch.  Just because they include “sun” in the name doesn’t mean they are whole grain or come from the earth or are blessed by nature or won’t give you diarrhea.  Those little buggers are just Doritos with a souped-up title.

THURSDAY

What-up kidlets!  What a great day!  I thought today after school we’d head downtown to look at all the women who are gripped by poverty and have a raging heroin problem.  See how their hair is falling out and they look dazed and confused? That’s all the drugs.  Please don’t start vaping and using those things that look like flash drives even though the vapor smells like cotton candy.  I know in the movies drugs look fun and breathing in green apple vapor seems okay, but it’s a gateway to heroin, bad teeth and a life in prison.  You have nice shiny hair.  Don’t ruin it.

FRIDAY

Howdy, my favorite children! You managed to not get shot, killed by a bomb, and I see you aren’t doing heroin!  Way to go!  Let’s go grab a sweet treat at the bakery.  Let’s also talk about how the wheat germ has been hijacked in America and how they pull all the inner guts out of the original grain so that we don’t eat a solid amount of fiber and how our diet is causing a massive obesity epidemic and causing a ton of people to have celiac.  Yikes-a-mundo! Let’s maybe get a gluten-free muffin or perhaps some hummus and carrot sticks?  Vegan soy ice cream is a solid alternative due to your food sensitivities and eczema.  YAY!  I love spending my afternoons with you guys doing fun normal things parents and children do!

SATURDAY

What’s up, kiddos?  I know we watch a ton of movies that glorify violence and murder (hey, whatever!) but let’s not do the one thing that brings extreme enjoyment to humanity (sex? Ack! I can barely speak the word!).  Seriously. You’re too young and protection is difficult for adults to talk about.  Condoms are creepy! How can we talk about safety in the bedroom at your age?  You’re barely out of diapers! Plus, you’ll fall in love with some young punk in high school and trust me, he isn’t going to give you what you really need in life running a used-car lot.  We encourage you to do other things for fun, but NOT heroin or eating doughnuts or playing with guns and I’ve already expressed my distain for sun chips.  What about Monopoly?

SUNDAY

You know what?  I’m not sure I care.  Just play on your electronics all day in the dark of your bedroom if you want to.  You’ll get tired of it eventually.  Everyone hates one another.  Trump is President.  Felicia just got half a million bucks from her ex-husband as a settlement and is in Hawaii while I still work at this crummy bank.  I think we should all go out and eat greasy burgers and binge on Netflix and curl up together.  Can I just tickle you like the old days?  If I have to eat another carrot cake cupcake made with whole wheat flour I’m gonna hurl.  They are not even cupcakes at all, amIright?  I am done trying to protect you.  You’re twelve years old.  You’ll figure it out.  Your father and I are going for a long stroll downtown and we are going to drink champagne for no other reason than we aren’t divorced and we still like to laugh at each other’s jokes.  I mean it’s Sunday afternoon. You’re alive.  We own a home. There’s frozen pizza in the freezer and a phone if you need to call 9-11. There are cookies on the counter.  Feel free to pig out.  Take a nap.  We love you.  But we are done with the helicoptering.  Frankly, it’s too exhausting.  You’ll be just fine.  Right?  What is that I hear?  All you want is Sun Chips and no more vinegar smoothies?  Fine.  At least you aren’t doing heroin.