John, board member.SARAH SMITH: This meeting is called to order at 6:07 pm. It would have been called to order at 6 pm but a certain board member (AHEM) didn’t seem to make it on time due to “traffic.” Brenda, how many times do we need to talk about taking responsibility and leaving time to cross through town in a motor vehicle? Many times. I’m starting to think you don’t respect our fellow board members time. Maybe you want to sit outside in the waiting area of our boardroom and think about how to respect our friends here?
BRENDA: But there was an accident on I-10! I think someone died and they diverted all the traffic for five miles! I also had to pee but held it in the entire time and I’m literally about to explode so the board meeting wouldn’t be delayed until 6:09!
SARAH SMITH: Brenda, we aren’t victims here. We don’t play that whole “oh it’s not my fault” card. That language is not acceptable. Here at Incom, we value responsibility and taking control over our actions, not blaming other people. Mkay, Brenda? See you in twenty. I’ll set the timer. Okie Doke. Now that’s out of the way, today we are going to discuss our company’s financials. We are in a wee bit of a pickle here, folks. It looks like our CFO did a little willy nilly with the numbers and well, he’s off to the Barbados so we need to sort this little issue out. We have, let’s just say, a situation at hand and we need to pull up our big boy and girl pants and fix it! Okay?
JOHN, BOARD MEMBER: None of that made any sense. Please stop using the word “pickle” in a sentence. What actually happened? Did he embezzle money? Will that affect the stock price? Is he fired? Are we going to seize his computer?
SARAH SMITH: We don’t like to tattle on people, John. It’s not my place to go into details about an employee of this company —
JOHN: Yes, Sarah. It’s your place. We are members of the Board of Directors and we need to know what that piece of shit did with corporate money.
SARAH SMITH: I don’t like your tone, John. That kind of language is not appreciated here nor is it acceptable. Please hand me your phone. If you can’t be respectful to others, you have lost phone privileges for the duration of this meeting.
JOHN: I AM A GROWN-ASS ADULT, SARAH. YOU CANNOT TAKE AWAY MY PHONE.
SARAH SMITH: Whoopsie daisy. Looks like someone will be joining Brenda out in the hallway for a little bit of a timeout! We’ll see you in a little bit, Johnny!
*John storms out the door, throwing his board packet in the trash can.
SARAH SMITH: Well! Some people just can’t understand that my rules keep everyone knowing their boundaries, which makes everyone feel safe. He’ll appreciate this someday when he has his own Board of Directors! Now if you will all pull out your minutes from last time, we need to approve them and get a motion for approval on the record.
DEB, MANAGER: You can’t just drop that information on us about the financials and move onto the approval of minutes. Can you please elaborate on the financial issue you mentioned just moments ago?
SARAH SMITH: We need to work on your patience, sweetie. All in good time. Sarah knows what’s best and in what order to present things.
DEB: I’m not sure why you’re referring to yourself in third person. If we can just get back to the massive financial crisis that would be great.
SARAH SMITH: You have the right to know what I tell you that you have the right to know. My, my, Deb. You used to be the good one. Now you are being a LITTLE BIT DEMANDING and I don’t like it. Be a sweetie and pass me a cookie from that tray?
DEB: I am not your servant. Is this because my last name is Rodriquez?
SARAH SMITH: I’m needing a little Sarah time right now. You members are driving me crazy. Does Incom not see all the hard work I put into this company and this Board of Directors, day in and day out? Does no one recognize what I do? Do you think these minutes type themselves?
DEB: No, your secretary Marie types them. You literally just returned from vacation yesterday.
SARAH SMITH: You know what? Screw this. I’m getting a pedicure and busting out my sippy cup with “wine time” on it. You people go ahead and just try to run this company.
DEB: I did run the company. You reported me as a “litigious Mexican” to HR and ended up taking the CEO spot and I was downgraded to manager, and I have to sit through this terrible meeting listening to you talk while my employment lawyer prepares my racial discrimination lawsuit and I’m only still working here because the company is afraid of a retaliation claim.
SARAH SMITH: I think I used the word “Hispanic.” To be fair.
DEB: HOW IS THAT REMOTELY FAIR?
BRENDA, PEERING IN: Is my time up yet? Can I come back in?
SARAH SMITH: I don’t feel that anyone recognizes me. I don’t feel heard. Being a CEO is hard work.
MARIE, SECRETARY, CRACKING DOOR OPEN: Sarah, your kids are calling. Something about a fever.
SARAH SMITH: Who has time for that right now? Tell them I’m in a board meeting for heavens sakes. They can leave a message.
