one liners, part III

Right now, my two-year-old son is speaking in short and very direct sentences like “me eat” and “I do it.”  There is also the ever-so-popular “MINE” and “No night night, mama.  Applesauce.” Although my son’s extreme narcissism and obsession with slapping my face while saying “no hit” at the same time are great fun, for now I’m focusing on what my daughter has said in the last few weeks that bears repeating.  Here goes:

  • “Can you read to my imaginary friends?  I read to them all the time, and they want to hear from someone new.”
  • “So it’s murder to kill someone else but solders can do it in battle and that’s okay?” “Honey!” I yell.  My husband was changing clothes after work. “Your daughter’s got a question for you!” That’ll teach him to come home late.
  • “Charlie said that Texas Tech smells like pee pee, and then William said the University of Texas smells like roses,” she said.  “What did you say to all that?” I asked. “I told him roses stink.” Then she paused for a few moments.  “Well, roses don’t really stink, I know, but some might.  And at least they are very strong smelling.”
  • “For (my brother’s) birthday, I’m going to make him a pretend laptop out of construction paper. But it’s only going to have ten buttons and no mouse.”
  •  “I read the entire book about Davy Crocket and I don’t see why he’s such a hero. But I skipped some parts.”
  • “I have a bug bite on my back and it itches like crazy.  If only it were on my elbow. That would be so much better.”
  • “Did I fail to mention I hate strawberries?  Because right here on my plate I see strawberries.”
  • “It’s just regular milk, I know, but I’m pretending that it’s chocolate.”
  • “I don’t understand why you’re so snappy,” my daughter tells me one morning. It involved me telling her to put on her shoes seventeen-thousand times.  But whatever.
  •  “Guess what? My teacher is having a boy and she is going to name him either Truman or Moses.”  “Really?” I asked.  “Well I don’t really know,” she tells me.  “But that’s what I think she should name him.”
  • “I always want mac-and-cheese.  If you ever wonder, that’s what I want.”

To live in a five-year-old’s world for a day, I swear.

one liners

Twenty things my 5-year-old said that made me laugh:

(1) Unicorns are real

(2) Today was the best day in my whole entire life because I got to chew gum.  I mean the best day ever.

(3) My throat hurts.  It feels like a hundred hammers are slamming on my neck.

(4) My stomach hurts.  It feels like a thousand tiny hammers are pounding upon my stomach.

(5) My head hurts.  It feels like — (“Yeah, yeah.  A million tiny hammers,” I say.)

(6) For snack today, I’ll have crepes. (“What?” I ask.  “Why in the world would you think we have crepes lying around?”)

(7) I mean currants.  I get crepes and currants mixed up sometimes.  For snack today, I’ll have currants.

(8) Mary Poppins is so sad.  She just wanted to help those people.  Please don’t make me watch it again.  Will my nanny leave me too? (“Uh, you don’t have a nanny. You can stop crying and clutching your pillow.”)

(9) (the next week): Why can’t we watch Mary Poppins again? You never let me watch any good stuff.  I love that movie.

(10)               I called John Denver.  Up in the Rocky Mountains. He said hello.

(11)               I’ll watch This Old House.  (“But don’t you want to watch cartoons?” I ask.  “No.  Today on This Old House they are putting in tile.”)

(12)               Maybe, to help me stop sucking my thumb, you can just put a nipple on it.

(13)               I like air.  But I loooooove pockets.  If I had to choose between the two, I’d choose pockets.

(14)               Don’t you ever throw away my fruit roll-ups again!

(15)               When you turn a hundred, you die.  Papa turned ninety, so he’s getting very close.

(16)               When my panties get too small, I’ll just save them for my brother.

(17)               Can God walk on the roof?

(18)               I’m going to play Jesus and break bread.  Except mine has peanut butter.

(19)               I have started a new restaurant.  It’s called Jalapeno Delight.  Everything contains jalapenos.  Except the milk.

(20)                Sometimes, I really don’t like it that you throw away my fruit roll-ups.  But I’ll always love you.