(1) Get your hair and makeup done. A good photographer can simulate a summer breeze by installing a solid fan out of camera range so your hair is slightly blowing in the wind. Even if you have to say “for heavens sakes, McKenzie- just smile for like five minutes and then you can have your phone back to take a selfie for Instagram,” you will pull off that “I just threw this look together” façade with ease. No one can see contempt through a good matte concealer.
a really good make-up artist can make you look emaciated and jaundiced! Winning!
(2) Buy clothes in the same color palette, but not matchy-matchy. This isn’t a trip to Disneyland. This is just a normal day standing around in a wheat field holding hands wearing various shades of denim. Just look to the left and pretend to laugh at something imaginary and supposedly hilarious the photographer said, even though little Reagan will cry and say “I miss Nadia.” She is not in the photo because she’s the nanny and doesn’t have the skin tone for wheat fields. Also, she’s an immigrant and may offend your Republican neighbors
(3) Find a photographer who is very talented with filters. If one particular family member (HELLO MICHAEL) decides to not wear the flannel picked out by his loving mother who spent seven total hours selecting perfectly matching outfits for all family members including the satin ribbon that goes in McKenzie’s side pony tail, the photographer can put a color fade and stain on the shirt and blend it in with the other clothing choices so that it isn’t obvious Michael never follows any rules and is basically a total disappointment to the family.
We said “simple country look,” not “take me to the back room,” McKenzie
(4) Invest in really nice shoes. Sure, your husband has been secretly banging a client and your son is vaping and your daughter said she needed you to travel up to her school and hand deliver a grilled chicken breast to her for lunch between two pieces of tin foil because the food is “rank and despicable in this forsaken public school.” Who doesn’t have issues? For this reason, you should buy their compliance if you have to. Spare no expense on buying your daughter those super cute strappy sandals. And by all means buy yourself the Prada boots you bought one night when you were drunk and out with girlfriends at the Neiman Marcus happy hour. Maybe it wasn’t technically a happy hour but more of a shopping trip after a happy hour. Or maybe not happy hour, but just drinking from your flask in the parking lot and talking on the phone with a friend. You were crying, so it wasn’t technically happy, but close enough. #greatboots
(5) Make sure someone sits on a couch. It’s a fun trend to haul a large Victorian couch – preferably in a shade of dark crimson red, in the middle of a field where it does not belong and have various family members sit on it and sort-of lean back as if it’s not the strangest thing anyone has ever seen to have a red couch just randomly sitting in a hay field being shit upon by birds. Make sure the woman sits so that it continues the storyline that women are feeble and need a fainting couch and men are hunters who can stand for long periods of time. Maybe the man can hold a rifle.
you can’t even see the blood stains! Wait until it sits in a wheat field! #stunning
(6) Pretend this photo shoot is a really big deal. I know Michael has ADHD and your father has prostate cancer, but let’s pretend just for a moment that this photo shoot is the key piece of evidence that matters in this trial that is your life. You may actually convince the neighbors when they receive their Christmas card that you have a good solid family. A family that sticks together. A family who laughs and who doesn’t have a drug-addicted step-son who is “attending college up East.” A family worthy of the cost of the shoes you put on your credit card. You birthed these little angels, damnit. Show the world how beautiful you all are in a light shade of blue.
(7) Make sure to post it all over social media. You can include phrases like “I am #blessed and #grateful” or “look, we just had a free afternoon and ran into this red couch whilst all wearing linen” or “No teenagers were on drugs the moment this photo was taken / I cannot vouch for after.” Highlight the positive and be sure you also change your profile photo, your tag line, your profile reel, your phone background, all the pictures on your dresser, and your twitter handle to reflect that this photo shoot happened and that you all look fabulous, darling.
sunlight streaming in from behind creates an angelic look so that no one knows this little kid just ate a booger
(8) Plan Next Year’s Photo Shoot. Try an overstuffed chair on the sandy seashore where you are flung on it in a wispy sundress while a flock of trained birds are released. Or a mountain-top scene with snowfall. Make sure it’s casual and fun. You don’t need to go to that much trouble, really. It’s just to document the blessings of family. HINT: PURPLE GOES WELL IN SNOW OR SAND PHOTOS SO START SHOPPING NOW.
This is unacceptable behavior. Calm down and wait for the couch to arrive.
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