This is a problem. Amy, pull yourself together.
APG (After-Party Guilt): A common, non-life threatening condition frequently diagnosed in women, aged 35-50 (women over fifty just don’t give a rat’s ass). Signs and symptoms that lead up to this diagnosis include talking too much with girlfriends about your cat, referring to your ex-spouse as “that cheating bastard,” and telling random strangers about your itch that “won’t respond to any prescription creams.” It usually involves copious amounts of wine drinking, which can be a trigger. The next morning, symptoms surface of guilt, shame, regret, and embarrassment. The only known cure is to move to another city and never speak to those people again. Sure, you left your cashmere sweater at the party and you really liked that Michelle girl, but such is life.
RJMS (Reading Junk Mail Syndrome). This is a rare condition that can sometimes surface in suburban areas in mothers of young children. Usually boredom driven, this condition manifests itself in people reading the actual junk mail that arrives in their mailboxes and believing the words in the pre-printed letters are honest emotional sentiments. Feelings of euphoria are experienced due to words such as “it is my great pleasure to send you this free coupon” or “here at Jiffy Lube we miss your company.” This condition can cause hallucinations that there are actual people writing these letters who care about your wellbeing. The cure is to burn the letters before you open them and make some friends (Maybe that Michelle girl?).
OSC (Obsessive Sweeping Condition). This condition is very common and occurs in both men and women. Usually after a marital disagreement, the affected person obsessively sweeps the kitchen floor as if they are actually trying to clean but in reality are just super angry and trying to keep their hands busy so they thrust the broom around as if to say “at least I do things around here.” Sometimes this useless sweeping is accompanied with small muttered phrases like “what the living hell” and “they are not the boss of me.” There is no cure, but the episode passes soon and the person will throw the broom in the corner, usually with a “why do I try this hard/no one appreciates the things I do.” The granola bar wrapper is still on the floor, because it’s not about actual cleaning. Hence the difficulty with this condition.
Nametagitis. This condition used to be more widespread in urban areas and large cities, but is now spreading to small towns, church suppers, and PTA meetings. It’s very close to being categorized by the U.S. Health Agencies as an epidemic. This disease manifests in many forms, all surrounding the use of a name tag. Not everyone has a nice simple name like “Michelle.” Some people think they’re funny by putting “Big Mama” on the name tag, while others can’t write their name in a legible form that others can actually read so it looks like their name is “Broolcn.” Other people put the name tag underneath their blazer so it’s not even visible, sew their name tag in advance, and the last group of people with this condition usually just say “I don’t need a damn name tag” when they do, indeed, need a name tag. No one knows you’re Robert from Accounting. The cure for this to have someone else write all the name tags and not give any people this responsibility. Also don’t let them choose the sandwiches in box lunches or where to sit. Treat people like robots and this condition fades nationwide.
OED (Over-enthusiastic E-mail Disorder). This is not life-threatening, but symptoms can persist for long periods if not treated. This disorder involves peppy responses to routine emails containing one or more superfluous exclamation marks (“Boy howdy this one’s a doosy! Can’t wait to see you all at the February birthday gathering in the break room!!”). There is no need for such an excited response to a work gathering involving cake from Costco. And yet the response is exuberant and excitable, usually sent before colleagues have consumed enough caffeine to handle it. If you are suffering from this condition, please watch Marley and Me to tone down the happy before coming to work and chill the hell out. Maybe just respond with “sounds good, thanks.” However, it’s likely by now everyone at work is blocking your emails. We all can’t be Michelle.
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