A Mother’s Guide to Laundry

Laundry is important. You can’t just keep going to Target and buying new socks. When your children are pulling wrinkled things from the floor to wear to school with chocolate stains, you know it’s time to act. Something must be done. Identification of the problem is the first step.

Step One:

Identify you have a problem. You’re a little slow. We went over this.

Step Two:

Take an entire day and dedicate it to doing laundry. Begin in the morning, after coffee and after you check all the social media feeds and after you talk to your mother and after you go down an Instagram rabbit hole looking at old houses for sale in Vermont. But those large porches and maple trees! Focus. Gather up all the laundry and put them in piles according to color.

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Girl, you got this. You’re a laundry wizard!

Step Three:

Throw in an armload full of dark things in the machine, washing them in cool water so the colors don’t bleed. Feel good about your domestic skills. Reply to texts with “sorry can’t talk doing laundry” so this information will be readily available that You Are a Person Who Takes Care of Things.

Step Four:

The dryer’s done, and it’s time to switch the wash. That was a quick 36 minutes. You just started watching television and BAM, buzzer. Throw the clothing into the dryer with an anti-static sheet. This time, load the washer with whites, using hot water, and use a stain stick on stubborn stains. You’re a veritable Martha Stewart. Look at you with that bleach pen. You almost have an urge to bake something or sweep! Let the urge pass. This is laundry day.

Step Five:

The dryer’s done and it’s time to switch the wash again. That can’t be right because it seemed like you just turned it on. Plus, you’re right in the middle of an E-online viewing marathon of some singer you’ve never heard of and her husband who decided they needed to own some goats in Beverly Hills. Isn’t that against several city ordinances? Her hair looks damaged by all the bleach. Do they make money on this television show? The clothes are probably not fully dry (damn jeans) so turn on the dryer for another 40 minutes.

giphy2 Celebrities are just like us! They apparently need to read this helpful guide!

Step Six:

The clothes are really dry now. You need to remove them and switch the wash. But all of a sudden you remember you have to go to the grocery store. Just dump the clothes from the dryer directly on the floor below the dryer and you will absolutely 100% fold them when you get back. Switch the contents of the washer to the dryer, start a new load of wash, this time just whatever colors are left and just use warm water and it’ll probably be fine. You can’t dedicate an entire day to laundry because you have other things to do. Honestly.

Step Seven:

You get back from what turned out to be multiple errands. You now own a new pair of cute suede boots on sale at Nordstrom. You turn on the dryer to “make sure the clothes are dry.” You really should consider purchasing a new dryer since it apparently doesn’t work that well.

Step Eight:

Take this new load of clean and dry clothes from the dryer, dump them on the floor atop of the others, and switch the wash into the dryer. You are absolutely going to take care of this very soon so you don’t have clean and dry clothes getting wrinkled in a pile in the laundry room. Remember to clean out the lint filter. You’re really getting good at this.

Step Nine:

This last load is dry, but there’s no need in really emptying it right now since the dryer is a perfectly acceptable place for them to remain for the time being while you read a book about winter. This is your new hobby, apparently. Reading. You might have ADD. Apparently focusing on one task is difficult for you.

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Step Ten:

Shut the door to the laundry room so you don’t have to see all the clean clothes on the floor. When the kids say “mom, I’m out of underwear” just direct them to the clean pile of clothing in front of the dryer. Ask them to take their own laundry to their rooms, which of course they won’t do. All week people will be pulling things from this pile. But no one will complain and they will simply do this because they are all too lazy to fold, carry clothing to rooms, or do it themselves.

Step Eleven:

Secretly call a service who can do laundry. Stop reading so many damn books, get a new job that pays well so you can afford hiring this out, and put bags of laundry on front porch to be picked up. When it comes back all folded just set the folded laundry on your children’s bed with a note that says “Hey kids! I did your laundry!” followed by a bunch of little hearts. Don’t let them know you outsourced this. Tell them you’re working on a “new you.” While you’re at it, buy some cupcakes and set those in the kitchen on a plate like you made them. Everyone will be impressed. You’re a Woman Who Does Laundry and Bakes.

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