“Okay everyone. It’s time to think of new brand packaging. I’m thinking photos.”
“Photos of what, Jim? Everyone uses Q-tips to clean out ear wax. Just stick a picture of an ear on there and move on. I have a promotional video to shoot. You’re wasting my time.”
“Um, excuse me, Larry. No one made you King of Marketing. We can’t say the Q-tip is designed to be used in the ear. Legal says so.”
“What the hell does legal have to say about it?”
“Well apparently there was a woman in Wisconsin that stuck one in her ear and a piece broke off and it caused a massive infection.”
“That did not happen. You’re just screwing with us right now.”
“Excuse me, but I’m the Assistant to the General Counsel. Jim’s right. It happened. Don’t ask me why she didn’t notice the tip had no cotton when it was pulled out of her ear. Don’t ask me why it took her three weeks to see a doctor. And please do not ask me if she jammed the damn tip in her ear on purpose because she wanted a settlement. We asked all those questions in her deposition. It got nasty. Literally. Her ear was oozing puss. So no photos of ears, wax, any motion of putting any item in the ear, or belly buttons.”
“Did you just say belly buttons? Why would we–”
“Just drop it, Larry. Do you want us all fired? We can think of other things. There are multiple uses.”
“Name one.”
“Well for starters, you can use it to apply make-up.”
“You’re 55 with a protruding gut and a receding hairline. What do you know of eye shadow?”
“To be fair, gentleman, I’m the one and only woman in this meeting. And I tend to agree with Jim. How about instead of using photos at all we just say it is excellent for cleaning things and let people infer what they will?”
“That makes it sound like you scrub toilets with it, Maria. The one and only purpose for this damn thing is to stick it in your ear and receive an orgasmic pleasure out of pulling out ear wax. Let’s not kid ourselves.”
“Hey you guys, legal again here. You can’t use any inferences. The general public only understands hard and fact things, on a 5th grade level, and cleaning things is obtuse and may lead to deceptive advertising. Also, no sexual references, despite our brand having “tip” in the title.”
“What are you even doing here? Who invited you?”
“Hey – what about the application of ointment or uses for babies in sensitive areas?”
“Maria, that’s genius.”
“I agree, Maria. Wonderful job. Ointment and Babies. DONE. Onward with our day.”
“Um, guys, the lawyer here. I feel you aren’t really hearing me, or seeing me, or noticing my existence. I invite myself to all these meetings to offer helpful information and you just treat me like an idiot. We want to make real sure we aren’t arguing this has any sort of medical use or application since it’s not regulated as a medical device.”
“Oh for heavens sake. Get this idiot out of here. Everyone loves a good picture of a baby.”
“How about we show the side of the baby’s face with a close-up of the ear? Maybe a mom holding a tube of something?”
“PERFECT. A BABY’S EAR. MOM AND TUBE. MARIA’S BUYING LUNCH.”
“I quit. I’ve always wanted to write wills and trusts. You can take this job and shove it.”
“But not in your ear!”
“Good one, Larry!”
—
