This is Texas here. We stand united in our efforts to keep our nation running. We hear that some of our nation’s leaders are key on defunding the United States Post Office. Hogwash. No government bureaucrats gonna tell us what to do.
We southern states are proud. Remember John Wayne? Sunday afternoon Westerns? A cowboy who wore tassels with a Native American sidekick? Sure, perhaps slightly racist, but that was a different time. Well here we are, ready to save America, with the reinstitution of the Pony Express.
It’s simple, really. You just put your ballot, letter to your cousin, cell phone payment, IRS taxes due, and birthday cards in your mail box. A horse named Biscuit or Sam or Tiny Tim or Windy will ride by a week from Tuesday, or next month, or never, just as soon as we get a permit from the local municipality to allow horses on public streets and find poop bags large enough to grab all the horse excrement so the HOAs won’t sue us. We need to allow the horses to take constant breaks pursuant to animal protection laws and it’s hard to get all the mail stuffed inside of saddle bags when you’re dealing with apartments so we do our best. Plus Windy is old and a lot of people stop to feed him carrots.
However, when we overcome those obstacles, the mail will be placed in a bag, or multiple bags, or forgotten because it’s really just an aesthetic, and the rider will tip his hat to you when you walk outside to get the paper, saying “yes ma’am and “we valuable your liberty.” It will probably be Sam Elliott.
Sometimes it rains, sure, and all the bags get wet and we have to lay out all the mail in the corral to dry, and they may get lost or eaten by an animal or blown away in the wind or get stuck in hay, but that’s a small price to pay for freedom.
Here in the South, we value your opinions. Like whether you like sliced or chopped beef and whether you want the barbeque sauce on the plate or on the side. So naturally we care about your right to vote and who you vote for, as long as it’s supportive of our Southern values and doesn’t hurt the cattle industry.
We gonna come and get your mail rain or shine, unless there is a strike or the horses get sick or Sam Elliott is getting a stint put in or Clint Eastwood needs Windy for a film.
Xoxo
Texas
