1. Be flexible. Do not wince when you see someone’s actual lips and teeth and resist saying “DO YOU NOT CARE ABOUT THE SAFETY OF THE COMMUNITY, LINDA?”
2. Stop making bread.
3. Stop cross stitching.
4. Stop drinking so heavily.
5. Stop it with all the hobbies that are sending you into a dangerous spiral of being a one-lady knitting club with rogue facial hair.
6. Search for your waist again. It will take a year to find. Good luck.
7. Smash your television. You’ve had your run.
8. Damn it no. That was just the crowded bars talking; a moment of sheer temporary insanity. Soon you will tire of being close to people and will need to hide on your couch. Keep the television.
9. Just say no to lipstick. We’ve gone a year without wearing it due to the masks. Your lips don’t need to be stained to look like you consumed a vat of wild cherries. This is the time for a revolution.
10. Be kind to people. But not the people who felt the election was stolen, Linda, the jerks who never drag in their trash cans, or the folks who think climate change is a hoax.
11. Never forget the time you got an adult pimple on your chin due to the moist air from wearing a mask, and YET YOU DIDN’T LOSE YOUR ELDERLY MOTHER TO A LIFE-THREATENING VIRUS. It wasn’t that bad, is what I’m saying.
12. Wear pants with a zipper.
13. Don’t look surprised when people say “you seem so different!” but don’t explain exactly why. It could be the sourdough bread bloat and lack of human interaction. Just smile and say you did something to your hair.
14. Cut your hair. Blow-dry your hair. Do something –anything – with your God-forsaken hair.
15. Start writing that book you put off. But then again, if you were locked at home for twelve months and didn’t do it, it’s highly doubtful you’ll start now.
16. Floss.
