Marriage is hard in a pandemic, and can take its toll. It takes years of compromise and hard work just to find that your spouse can’t seem to clean the gutters or remember to send you flowers. Apathy sets in, no one goes anywhere, and you both stare at each other asking if you want more take-out. Who is actually thriving in this pandemic household? Your stand mixer.
There it is like a white and chrome beacon of light. It sits there in the corner just waiting for you, with its shiny sides and sexy curves. It lifts up and slams back down whenever you want it to, ready for action. It never has a headache or smells like yesterday’s leftovers. It is always ready for adventure. This is the stand mixer’s time to shine.
When you’re married, you sit around on weekends bored out of your skull watching documentaries while drinking cheap white wine. You are so tired of doing the same thing over and over while stuck in quarantine that neither of you are in the mood for intimacy or laughs. If you hear “wanna go grab a pizza?” while wearing sweats one more time you’ll scream.
Not so with your stand mixer! It has all kinds of interesting attachments that never get dull. Need a paddle? Oh, it’s there. Feeling whisky? Hand me the egg whites and lock the door. It even has a dough hook. And it is so very easy to turn on.
With marriage, you have to wait until your spouse leaves for the grocery store, the only place anyone ever goes anymore, to crank up the music you want to hear. The stand mixer doesn’t have any problems with your music, never complains, and when you are tired of it, it stays quiet. And it gives you cake batter. Can your 55-year-old project manager husband do that?
The stand mixer is your constant companion. It is always there for you. It does not just fail to turn on because of its own apathy and internalized rage at the world. It allows you to dump your feelings and heavy whipping cream directly into it and happily whips it into butter. It never runs out of energy when you are ready for more action. And when you’re done, you simply unplug it and walk away. There is no discussion about who’s rolling the trash can to the curb. It simply produces cookie batter and presents it to you. This is the mixer’s finest hour.
So in sum, maybe instead of getting a stand mixer for a wedding gift, we should ditch the wedding and simply buy the stand mixer. That makes a whole lot of sense for our collective happiness.
