Just you wait, ‘enry ‘iggins, just you wait
You’ll be sorry but your tears ‘ll be too late
You’ll be hungry, I’ll have brisket
And some bacon and a biscuit
You can’t have my sweet tea, damnit,
Just you wait
Just you wait, ‘enry ‘iggins, till you’re here
You will see a bowl of cheese sauce by the beer
What is this, you will wonder, that they go so ape-shit over
It’s queso, you fool, plus jalapeños.
Ooo ‘enry ‘iggins, just you wait
Till you see some Austin hippies on a date
They are eating vegan bowls, boba tea, sushi rolls
And you’ll wonder how anyone here is even straight (they all live in Amarillo).
Oh ho ho, ‘enry ‘iggins, oh ho ho, ‘enry ‘iggins, just you wait
When you see that all the folks are overweight
It’s the booze, it’s the meat, it’s the tacos, it’s the heat
We can’t walk around and exercise, you moron, or we’ll die of heat exhaustion.
One day I’ll be famous, I’ll be proper and prim
I’ll hire Willie Nelson himself to come over, sing a hymn
We’ll get a beach house on the water where you’ll meet the farmer’s daughter
But she will turn her nose up because you don’t have a large truck and an oil money trust fund.
You will see how much we love this place, despite its many flaws
It has cows and canned tomatoes and very few gun laws
And you’ll say By george, I’ll move there
But real estate prices are a nightmare
And we’ll tell you if you do, please move to Lubbock because Dallas is full.
All the people will celebrate the glory of this state
They will raise their glass to cowboys and George Strait
But all I want is ‘enry ‘iggins dead, his liberal politics I dread
“Done, ” says the governor with a special on Fox news explaining the entire situation
Then they’ll march you, ‘enry ‘iggins to the wall!
And the Governor will tell me, “Liza, sound the call!”
As they raise their rifles higher, I’ll shout
“Ready, aim, fire!”
Because clearly we don’t have any problem using our rifles down here in Texas.
In the meantime, have a margarita. It’s really damn hot.
