Catching Mice

I read contracts every single day. My eyes scan them like a hawk surveys the landscape searching for food. Previewing the horizon, swooping in at times, always on guard. I can zone in on a small thing and go after it.  It’s a core part of my job to spot areas of high risk to my […]

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Helpful Recipe Ideas for Parents with Annoying Teenagers

You can see leaf veins on these suckers so don’t tell me algebra homework is hard.  (1)  When You Want to Kill That Kid Vegetable Soup.  This involves a great deal of chopping.  You take a large knife and slice through various root vegetables like carrots, turnips, onions, and extra celery since it makes a […]

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The Day I Took a Writing Class

I decided to take a writing class. So on a Wednesday night in the balmy city of Austin, I ditched the family and traversed to the bowels of Congress Avenue among all the hipsters to find a little room where this writing class was to be held.  You had to walk through an eyeglass store, […]

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8 Rules for the Perfect Family Portrait

(1) Get your hair and makeup done.  A good photographer can simulate a summer breeze by installing a solid fan out of camera range so your hair is slightly blowing in the wind. Even if you have to say “for heavens sakes, McKenzie- just smile for like five minutes and then you can have your phone […]

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Top 7 Parenting Failures

“It used to be a big craze with mothers to hide pureed fruits and vegetables into the evening meal. A bit of strained carrots in the marinara, butternut squash in meatloaf. But then it went too far with the spinach. Kids started to notice and across America told their parents to “stop screwing up the […]

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Anticipation & Follow-up: Your Worst Nightmare

  me, living in the moment, by central park I would like to introduce you to a character in my life. He’s a jerk, really. His name is Anticipation. He has a mustache and wears acid-washed jeans.  He has big yellowish eyeglass frames that balance precariously on his nose. I don’t trust him, but I’ve found you can […]

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What Your Kid’s Teacher Really Wants this Year for a Back-to-School Gift [Hint: not Apples]

  Something other than fruit. Maybe a hamburger, a Target gift card, a bottle of gin, or the same pay as a man. You went on a wine tasting and gourmet food tour in Italy over the summer.  All you can think of is produce? It’s not the thought that counts when you bring them […]

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Loosely Applied

One of the reasons I went to law school is because I have a voracious appetite for a well-crafted argument.  I will spend hours upon weeks researching and writing and editing.  I will tweak and realign and practice.  My record of winning cases is impressive. I used to represent the government in employment law and […]

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The line

There was a red elmo doll on the back of a trailer today.  I sat at a red light and stared at it with a curious gaze.  I wondered how it was secured.  Little zip ties? A thin metal wire? Perhaps it was just whimsy for the sake of whimsy. One day a construction worker […]

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Honest Postings on the Neighborhood Garage Sale

The carving of an angry god, carved into a desk. Who wants to look at this? His eyes are all wonky Free Desk This desk belonged to my asshole first husband before he humped his secretary on it without my knowledge. If it’s not picked up in three days I’m going to light it on […]

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