Gwyneth Paltrow
At our home, we only use all-natural, paraffin free, non-toxic cleaners made from starfruit and the bark from aspen trees, squeezed with a press and mixed with turmeric. Sometimes we just take a moment and drink the solution as a colon cleanse. My child, Apple, is always asking for it as a refreshing hydration boost. When dusting shelves, take a towel that is slightly damp with lime-soaked mineral water and wipe your forehead with it, because #selfcare while housekeeping is important. ALSO gobblygook beep boop sea lichen.
Editor’s note: We think Gwyneth may have had a small stroke and some of her words weren’t making sense there at the end, but we believe it may have been because she hadn’t eaten in four days except for seven mushrooms and a rose pedal, which she said was for her complexion?
Cardi B
Here in my motherf**king house we don’t clean s**t because we have a mother**king girl that comes to the f**king house and cleans the f**king s**t around here and if you don’t like that you can *********
Editor’s note: We were unable to transcribe the entire statement because it seemed to just be a run-on sentence there at the end full of expletives. Literally one after another like a strand of f-bomb pearls, and we believe she may have used all of the words in her brain in the first sentence. We gather she doesn’t like cleaning? Does she like anything? Does she know more than seven actual words? We don’t know. WE NEVER KNOW WITH THIS WOMAN.
Martha Stewart
I pride myself in a clean home. I always say to my daughter Alexis, “you must keep your home tidy and neat and always scrub with a toothbrush in the tiny crevices.” She understands that perfection is the standard and that hasn’t hurt her one tiny bit in life. Marie Kondo is a slob and frankly, a bad example. We aren’t friends. Cleaning is not about joy, it’s about being able to eat off the floor.
Editor’s note: We here at the publisher’s desk laughed and said “ha ha yeah right like you can eat on your floor” and she proceeded to eat a dinner of duck confit with braised chard and rosemary potatoes on the porcelain bathroom tile and now she’s kinda our hero? We’re so sorry, Marie.
Lady Gaga
I love to clean. You simply take a dry cloth and wipe down the grammy. See here, how I’m holding up this grammy to the light and it sparkles? If there is any dust that collects on your grammy, just continue wiping it down and keeping it in a case, and if you need to clean the house you simply put the grammy in one hand and thank the academy and with the other hand you call someone and say “hello this is Lady Gaga I won a grammy” and they will come over with something like buckets and brooms I don’t know let’s talk more about how to dust this thing.
Editor’s note: She won a grammy.
Lin Manuel-Miranda
Alexander Hamilton
My name is Alexander Hamilton
And there’s a million thing I haven’t done
But just you wait, just you wait
I can clean the dinner plate
Moved in with a cousin, the cousin committed suicide
Left him with nothing but ruined pride, something new inside
A voice saying, “Alex you gotta wash that tub”
So he retreated and cheated and started to scrub
Editor’s note: We are no experts, but this appears to be the song from Hamilton with words changed. All he did was dance around and wave his hands in the air, so we aren’t sure if he was saying the founding fathers cleaned their houses or whether he actually does or whether this was all just an analogy for a larger truth. It can be interpreted several ways. He’s a genius.
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