WHEREAS a mother forms human life completely inside of her own body but for a man’s sperm, eats chicken fingers due to raging salty cravings, and pushes a life form out of a small crevice that was formally used for recreational purposes;
WHEREAS a mother is responsible for the training, nutrition, and education of child (except for when mom has a Migraine or the child’s being a real pain); and
WHEREAS child doesn’t really care and simply wants mother to take him/her to soccer practice and allow for sufficient time on Minecraft,
NOW, THEREFORE, in consideration of the mutual covenants and conditions herein contained, the parties agree to the following:
Section 1: Term
This contract shall be in effect upon the uncomfortable screaming event that when child made its debut breathing air (“Child’s Birthday”) and shall last until the mother’s death and/or until the child says “my therapist says you are toxic and I need to cut you out of my life” (“Termination Date”).
Section 2: Duties of Parties
Duties of Mother:
(1) Mother shall hereinafter and at all times love child except from the ages of 12-15 when the mother shall simply tolerate and barely like them on certain days they aren’t yelling “for heavens sakes mom please don’t drop off us off so close to school” or crying about pimples / premenstrual cramps;
(2) Mother shall cook for children daily and/or buy them food and/or simply set out plates of crackers and cheese and say “it’s this or starvation, kiddos, because it’s been that kind of day;” and
(3) Mother shall drive them places, listen to their daily stories, ensure they do just enough chores to hear them complain, punish them when appropriate, and say “I understand this is hard for you” when they say “you really are the most strict and cruel parenting figure that has ever lived.”
Duties of Children:
(1) Attend school (sometimes)
(2) Eat mom’s food (unless it’s meatloaf, fish, olives, or anything with “that gross cheese in it”)
(3) Play videogames
(4) Complain
(5) Half-ass their chores
Section 3: Compensation
Mother gets paid only in sticky valentine’s cards that say “I love you, mommy!!” as well as cold eggs and some barely toasted bread covered in butter the children bring on a tray into her bed on Mother’s Day. No one will remember Mother’s birthday, any important event in her life, and will let her sleep in on weekends except the times they knock on her bedroom door at 7 am to see if they can use the ipad. However, Mother shall receive a coupon for a “free foot rub” that no child ever intends her to cash in on. When they are teenagers they will mutter “yeah, you too” when she says I love you, which in a way is a form of emotional payment.
Section 4: Incentive Payment
There will be a one-time payment when children grow up and have their own children, which will make them realize how hard their mother worked and how patient she was, and will say “wow mom, we never realized it was this hard” as Mother visits and helps fold burp pads, going the grocery store and preparing seventeen freezer meals. This is the extent of the payment, this weak acknowledgment of not realizing a Mother’s true worth, but it’s something?
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, the parties have executed this Agreement not under sound mind or body because if Mother knew all the terms of this agreement she would never, ever sign it. And yet here we go.
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Mother’s Signature
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Just include an image of child’s footprint out of craft paint and stamp it here, because that makes a lot of damn sense
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