one liners, part III

May 19, 2012 By

Right now, my two-year-old son is speaking in short and very direct sentences like “me eat” and “I do it.”  There is also the ever-so-popular “MINE” and “No night night, mama.  Applesauce.” Although my son’s extreme narcissism and obsession with slapping my face while saying “no hit” at the same time are great fun, for now I’m focusing on what my daughter has said in the last few weeks that bears repeating.  Here goes:

  • “Can you read to my imaginary friends?  I read to them all the time, and they want to hear from someone new.”
  • “So it’s murder to kill someone else but solders can do it in battle and that’s okay?” “Honey!” I yell.  My husband was changing clothes after work. “Your daughter’s got a question for you!” That’ll teach him to come home late.
  • “Charlie said that Texas Tech smells like pee pee, and then William said the University of Texas smells like roses,” she said.  “What did you say to all that?” I asked. “I told him roses stink.” Then she paused for a few moments.  “Well, roses don’t really stink, I know, but some might.  And at least they are very strong smelling.”
  • “For (my brother’s) birthday, I’m going to make him a pretend laptop out of construction paper. But it’s only going to have ten buttons and no mouse.”
  •  “I read the entire book about Davy Crocket and I don’t see why he’s such a hero. But I skipped some parts.”
  • “I have a bug bite on my back and it itches like crazy.  If only it were on my elbow. That would be so much better.”
  • “Did I fail to mention I hate strawberries?  Because right here on my plate I see strawberries.”
  • “It’s just regular milk, I know, but I’m pretending that it’s chocolate.”
  • “I don’t understand why you’re so snappy,” my daughter tells me one morning. It involved me telling her to put on her shoes seventeen-thousand times.  But whatever.
  •  “Guess what? My teacher is having a boy and she is going to name him either Truman or Moses.”  “Really?” I asked.  “Well I don’t really know,” she tells me.  “But that’s what I think she should name him.”
  • “I always want mac-and-cheese.  If you ever wonder, that’s what I want.”

To live in a five-year-old’s world for a day, I swear.

Filed Under: Humor, Love, Motherhood Tagged With: , , ,

Twenty Random Things I said to my Five-Year-Old this Week

March 7, 2012 By
  • No, honey.  Mosquitoes are not amphibians just because their eggs float on top of the water.  That doesn’t count.
  • Butterflies don’t make honey.  That’s a job only for the bees.
  • Where exactly are the heart pains?  Show me.
  • It doesn’t matter if bees and butterflies are best friends and they share nectar.
  • Yes (in response to “did you know that [Hey Soul Sister] is my favorite song?”)
  • I’m on a conference call in five minutes, so this is the last piece of tape I’m going to give you.  The last one.
  • No, you can’t go to [the babysitter’s house] just because you have a fever and can’t go to school and she lets you watch videos on utube.  You’re just stuck staying home with me.
  • Trillion is a word, remarkably.  Ask any government official.
  • You still need to make a get-well card for your great grandmother, despite the fact that “you’re sick too.”  You have a 99 degree temperature, and she’s in the hospital with a broken hip. It’s not the same.
  • Bees.  That’s it.  Those are the only guys that make honey.  Why is that so difficult for you?
  • Yes, you do have sags under your eyes
  • Earthworms are also not amphibians even though they wallow around in mud after it rains.  Still not the same.  But great question; I can see the confusion.
  • You’d rather have chicken-and-stars soup out of a can than this [homemade pasta with fresh spinach and feta cheese and basil pesto]?  So that’s a yes, I take it.  Super.
  • No.  I will not save that leftover two tablespoons of broth for you in the refrigerator for later.  When exactly will you eat that?
  • Please don’t keep giving your brother pacifiers behind my back. It’s annoying. He doesn’t need three of them at once.
  • I just love this necklace of yellow pom-poms and random beads you found in your dresser. I’ll treasure it forever.
  • Why did you leave me a “very special love note” that reads “glow in the dark?”  Oh, you just copied it from that puzzle box over there?  That’s cool.  It works.
  • Did I say it wrong?  The book clearly says “Repunzel.”  Oh, my bad.  “Barbie as Repunzel.”  That’s different.
  • I’m sorry your head feels like a thousand knives are shredding it into pieces. That really must hurt.
  • Right back at ya (in response to her double-hand squeeze plus two taps at the grocery store, which is our special way of saying I love you to each other in public so that it’s not cheesy and embarrassing).

And tomorrow’s only Wednesday. . .

Filed Under: Humor, Motherhood Tagged With: , , , , , ,