(1) In our house, we can’t say the words stupid, dumb, or hate. Which is why we don’t have cable television and ban Fox News. Today, however, I managed to say all three words in one sentence with regard to a jar of pesto I couldn’t open. I’m an excellent example.
(2) For a Girl Scout project, my daughter and I were looking for a quote on responsibility that was written by a woman. I was all “Look! Here’s one by Eleanor Roosevelt!” but my daughter just shrugged like I was some old fart. “This! This!” she said as she pointed to the computer screen. So here we go off to girl scouts, armed with wisdom from Sandra Bullock.
(3) I ordered a salad today at lunch. But instead of grilled chicken, I wanted tempura chicken that was offered atop a different salad. This extraordinary and very unique change completely baffled the waitress, who whispered something to a manager in hushed tones like I had asked for cocaine-laced carrots. The manager nodded, but the waitress kept raising her hands, like “How? How can I possibly enter this into the computer? Why is this woman doing this to me? What’s with all the changes?” At this point I’m like, Oh sweet thing. If it’s this stressful I’ll just have a burger. Some people need some real challenges in their life.
(4) My trainer says that great abs are composed of 80% diet and 20% exercise, which begs the question why we are doing all this work for twenty measly percent. We might as well forget the crunches altogether and just all go out for salads.
(5) When ordering salad, order the tempura chicken. It’s a fun little game I now play. It’s for her own good. I’m like a life coach.
(6) I applied for a job online today. One of the questions asked if I had been disciplined, disbarred, fired, murdered someone, consumed battery acid, or some other bad things I blew past and simply answered yes to. WHAT? I answered YES? Why isn’t this back button working? Why is there an error message? I then had to call the HR Department and explain my mistake to an intake specialist who found my state of panic simply hilarious. It’s not funny if you’re the one admitting murder, lady.
(7) I was at the mall today and had thirty minutes to waste before I met a lady I didn’t know for lunch. Since I barely did my make-up this morning, and I happened to be at the make-up counter, I asked her to do a little touch-up. The employee at a mac counter was all “let me make your eyes pop” and I just nodded like “well that sounds fun” but then I began to ask myself all sorts of questions like “what’s with all the black?” or “dude that seems like a lot of mascara for a pale blond girl.” When I left and looked in the mirror, I looked like a cross between RuPaul and Twiggy. I sat in my car for the remainder of aforementioned free time furiously rubbing my eyes with tissues, praying the lady I was meeting at lunch was nearsighted.
(8) They make camouflage in pink now, I noticed. Why? Is it supposed to be for the ladies? Do women run around in pink fields hunting unicorns? And if so, they need to be disguised? The last time I went hunting in cotton candy forests I just used my magical powers to turn into a gumdrop.
(9) My 2-year-old son pulled my daughter’s hair and she flared back in rage. “Would YOU like it if I pulled YOUR hair?” she asked. He sat there for a minute, like she was daring him to skip school and go get a tattoo. “Do it,” he said with a grin. You should have seen the look on my daughter’s face. Awesome.
(10) I really do want to shoot the person who developed daylight savings time. Trying to put two kids to bed when it’s light outside is impossible, and infuriating, and time changes are so irrelevant. But then I’d have to legitimately say yes to the online job application question regarding murder. Unless this person happened to be in a pink forest, and I was wearing camo, and then no one would ever know.
