Twenty things my 5-year-old said that made me laugh:
(1) Unicorns are real
(2) Today was the best day in my whole entire life because I got to chew gum. I mean the best day ever.
(3) My throat hurts. It feels like a hundred hammers are slamming on my neck.
(4) My stomach hurts. It feels like a thousand tiny hammers are pounding upon my stomach.
(5) My head hurts. It feels like — (“Yeah, yeah. A million tiny hammers,” I say.)
(6) For snack today, I’ll have crepes. (“What?” I ask. “Why in the world would you think we have crepes lying around?”)
(7) I mean currants. I get crepes and currants mixed up sometimes. For snack today, I’ll have currants.
(8) Mary Poppins is so sad. She just wanted to help those people. Please don’t make me watch it again. Will my nanny leave me too? (“Uh, you don’t have a nanny. You can stop crying and clutching your pillow.”)
(9) (the next week): Why can’t we watch Mary Poppins again? You never let me watch any good stuff. I love that movie.
(10) I called John Denver. Up in the Rocky Mountains. He said hello.
(11) I’ll watch This Old House. (“But don’t you want to watch cartoons?” I ask. “No. Today on This Old House they are putting in tile.”)
(12) Maybe, to help me stop sucking my thumb, you can just put a nipple on it.
(13) I like air. But I loooooove pockets. If I had to choose between the two, I’d choose pockets.
(14) Don’t you ever throw away my fruit roll-ups again!
(15) When you turn a hundred, you die. Papa turned ninety, so he’s getting very close.
(16) When my panties get too small, I’ll just save them for my brother.
(17) Can God walk on the roof?
(18) I’m going to play Jesus and break bread. Except mine has peanut butter.
(19) I have started a new restaurant. It’s called Jalapeno Delight. Everything contains jalapenos. Except the milk.
(20) Sometimes, I really don’t like it that you throw away my fruit roll-ups. But I’ll always love you.
