I’ve been speaking all lofty lately, like “let’s assuage our common sense” and “thou shalt not raise up wimps that cannot debate like Jefferson” and if you didn’t know better you’d think I wore purple robes in my living room and sat around reading fine literature. So I thought I’d keep it real up in here.
(1) On Friday, I went to dinner with one of my fabulous girlfriends. Promised myself I’d eat light, cut down on carbs. Started it up with a Fireman’s 4 and ended at Amy’s ice cream, whereby some lady was filming the ice cream guy throwing scoops in the air. No more needs to be said on this particular topic, either with regard to the carb-load or the ridiculousness of filming an ice cream guy.
(2) I spent an inordinate amount of time staring at my computer screen watching the entire first season of Suits. I took a break from the season to re-enter humanity and went to the grocery store, but rather than walking, I sort-of strutted into the store with the show’s hip background music playing in my head. My internal dialogue may or may not have been something along the lines of “I’m too fabulous to be in here buying eggs and milk / isn’t there someone I can pay to do this for me because I have a case to settle.” I felt similar emotions after a Downton Abby bender when I had to make my own bed. Total bummer, reality.
(3) I took a video of my garden, panning from one side of it to the other. I was proud of the way the squash was getting on. The zinnas, they are really popping. And my black-eyed peas? Really reacting nicely to organic fertilizer. I sort-of stepped outside myself and said, “are you taking a video of your plants? Is that really what’s happening here? What exactly are you going to do with this video? Please step away from nerd-dom and go have drinks with someone or read something that’s published or try to act like a human being with a real life.” But then I remembered the ice cream video and felt less alone. But at least there were people in her video. Mine had only squash, which is weird.
(4) Today I read an article that a woman drank nothing but soda for fifteen years (not one drop of water) and had to go to the ER for low potassium levels and fainting. After one week of no soda things went back to normal. What? That’s it? Not at all dramatic, you reporting idiots. If I take the time to read a story about a women drinking 2 liters of soda a day for her entire adult life, I want to hear that her insides have rotten fish floating around in them and she’s somehow miraculously living despite a soda can lodged in her large bowel, rusting since 1982.
(5) The only thing I can say as a redeeming point to wasting time on pointless articles is that I didn’t watch the Miss USA pageant, so that half-hour that those people brain-wasted I stored up to read articles like what Kim K’s doing these days (Napping! Watching grass grow! Feeding North!) and apparently this lady’s (minor-pointless-boring) trouble with soda consumption. So we are EVEN, peeps. Although it’s strange I feel life’s a competition with strangers’ wasted brain space. I’m Type A. Whatareyougonnado.
(6) I cut up some fresh tomatoes from our garden and blended them together with the cheese sauce that comes with the mac-and-cheese pack and thought our children would never, ever notice. There was no red – it all just blended in with the fake cheesy yellow color, and I felt brilliant. Until my daughter took one bite and was all “Barf” like I had ground-up elephant tongues in there instead of organic sweet garden tomatoes (I have a video). My son just shoved it in his mouth and said “well I like it and you don’t get dessert if you don’t eat it then” and sucked it down without incident. This is why I love boys.
(7) And lastly, I threw away an entire arm-load of unmatched socks because I was just sick of seeing them in the hamper for so long. But I had to have a little conversation with them first, like “well I’ve not seen your mate in quite some time” and “you’re not really that great of a Nike product anyway “ and “it’s for your own good. No one likes to be alone.”
So there you have it. Lofty of not, it’s my version of reality. If you want to see how the zucchini is doing, be sure to let me know. I’ve got that on video, wenches.
