Dear White House Staff and Interns:
This is an unprecedented time. We all got this job thinking it would look good on our resume. We may have believed POTUS was a little nuts, but we understood it was our job to make him look good. Did we know it would involve outright lying on a daily basis? Well, maybe. But we won’t have any credibility after this. The only job we are going to find is cleaning floors at the Fox News Headquarters. So we need to keep this President here! It’s the only gig we’re ever going to get that involves health insurance.
The rumor is that POTUS may not leave the Office of the President even though he loses, so we need an overall strategy. This is an all-hands on deck message, so everyone needs to speak with one voice. But we also need to deliver multiple and confusing messages to various news outlets at the same time. So remember, be consistent but also throw out multiple versions of the story.
First, we tell the general public POTUS has every intention to follow the rule of law. However, explain the laws always change, and he will follow whatever laws are technically on the books, which may mean an executive order allowing him to get away with not following the law, and then quote whatever law you can think of to throw them off track. TITLE VI! THE ADA! HIPAA! It doesn’t matter what laws, just make up some. No one cares about that stuff anymore. We just have to issue a statement that mentions the words “guns” and “America” and “steelworkers.”
Second, we tell the public that he’s coming out the door real soon, but he just had an important meeting with the Dictator of a foreign country who literally just threatened us with war, and he has already been in negotiations with that person, and it’s like when you watch most of the season of Homeland but you need to go ahead and finish up the season despite it being midnight and it being time for bed. That will buy us time. What foreign country, they may ask? Deflect! Show them the updated rose garden photos! Tell them Putin is calling! Also we all need to make sure we put down-payments on apartments for when this fire finally stops burning so we all won’t be living in our uncle’s basement.
Next, say he fell in the rose garden. Melania is updating it and there was a big open pit and despite it being shaped like a grave with orange roses planted around it was not, in fact, set up for him to fall but was a total accident and he can’t transfer power when he’s in the hospital. If anyone asks where Melania was during this time, do not mention the fact that she pointed and laughed. Hire a make-up artist to create worry lines on her face. Then pull up roses to put in your office as this is the only joy you’re going to have in the next six months.
Lastly, explain that POTUS saw the ratings and he believes people want a sequel to the first season of POTUS 45 so despite the fact that Biden may have “technically” won the election with “votes” we need to really pay attention to the ratings because that’s truly the voice of the people. And that’s what he cares about: the American People.
Honestly, everyone here needs to get 30-60 days-worth of their depression meds refilled and grab as much free stuff as you can from the White House kitchen. Maybe pocket one of those mugs with a presidential seal on it so when we are sitting in front of a grand jury, we can have something to sip water from.
Let’s all stay motivated! We all love our jobs!
