Vaccinated People Are Nothing But Braggarts

April 12, 2021 By

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Vaccinated people post online when they get vaccinated despite not being online people generally, because they are People Who Are Not Online Except to Brag About Being Vaccinated.

Vaccinated people constantly text their friends asking them when their vaccine appointment is. Not in one simple text, but in multiple bubbles like crazy people.  Got it yet? Second shot? Important!

If you don’t respond, Vaccinated people continue to bug you about volunteering in order to get the vaccine and how you will die without it and sometimes, they even send chicken recipes along with articles on herd immunity. 

Vaccinated people are over there with their sleeves rolled up high displaying bright orange arm bandages to show off the fact that are fully vaccinated, despite the fact that blood isn’t actually seeping from their arms and there really is no need for a bandage, especially not after three whole days.  

Vaccinated people have printed bumper stickers about vaccinations (GO VAX!), they talk about it to anyone who will listen like an old war story, and they have frames made for their CMS vaccination card. That’s odd.  It really is.  

Vaccinated people really want to communicate how deeply terrible each and every one of them felt after taking the second shot.  So many aches and chills! It felt like their bones were breaking! But it was worth it to protect our collective civilization! 

The side effects of Vaccinated people from their second dose are likely much worse than anyone else, most likely, and they will tell you so repeatedly. WAY WORSE. 

Don’t try to explain to Vaccinated people that you, too, are vaccinated and yet only had a sore arm or a mild headache.  That will infuriate the Vaccinated people and they won’t believe you, or will think your immune system is not very strong and you are a person who doesn’t have any emotions or cries at movies.  

Vaccinated people will judge you if you say you’re healthy and you don’t want to get a new and untested vaccine.  Clearly you talk to your cats and only watch online conspiracy theory videos.

To all the Vaccinated people: go on a trip.  Enjoy your life.  Stop bragging about this one thing like you stopped the European invasion.  We get it, you can wear a mask under your nose, eat at an Applebee’s again, and see your grandchildren. FOCUS ON THAT.

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The Unveiling of the Official White House Charcuterie Board

February 15, 2021 By

Hello Americans,

I’m Chef Cristeta Pasia Comerfort, the current White House Executive Chef, and the first woman and Filipino-American to hold this position. I’ve worked in the White House kitchens since 1995 and I’ve seen a lot of Presidents. I do not hold an opinion on who I like as far as administrations go.  I am neutral as far as party affiliation and only cook at the pleasure of the current office holder. 

I am sorry that I cannot comment on my four years serving white bread and mayonnaise sandwiches to the former President and glasses of bitter herb cocktails to his wife. It’s simply not my place to have an opinion, despite being told that “if I could cook like Chef Boyardee” or if I could “make my sandwiches taste like Arby’s,” we’d really be cooking with gas. However, I have created this charcuterie board for an upcoming happy hour in honor of the new incoming Presidential team and staff.

As I would for anyone.   

The 2021 Official White House Charcuterie Board

Glory Halleluiah Ham, that used to be tightly rolled but now is loosening up

Dry-Cured Prosciutto, because after so many months of non-stop drinking everyone needs to take a moment to be dry again

A wonderfully rich English Cheddar, which is a cow milk cheese traditionally cast in a mold of civility with which we are familiar

Brie, a very soft nice cheese that doesn’t yell or scream at you about how “your people are taking jobs away from American steel workers”

A dish of olives from groves that actually dated back thousands of years in the Mediterranean region, despite the former administration saying that they originated from California in 1965

Hazelnut raspberry honey crisps, because we are no longer forced to serve tostados made from fried Goya beans

A nice fig jam, dating back to when the Greeks needed to preserve the quince with honey.  Let us preserve this moment in history where my staff isn’t ordered to make Fritoe Pie at 2 am during a twitter rant

Bite-sized sea salt dark chocolate, for me to simply eat, because I think I’ve earned it.

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We are looking forward to a great four years ahead.

Xoxo

Chef Comerfort

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New Year’s Resolutions for the Year After COVID

December 30, 2020 By

1.  Be flexible.  Do not wince when you see someone’s actual lips and teeth and resist saying “DO YOU NOT CARE ABOUT THE SAFETY OF THE COMMUNITY, LINDA?”

2.  Stop making bread. 

3.  Stop cross stitching.

4.  Stop drinking so heavily.

5.  Stop it with all the hobbies that are sending you into a dangerous spiral of being a one-lady knitting club with rogue facial hair.  

6.  Search for your waist again.  It will take a year to find.  Good luck.      

7.  Smash your television.  You’ve had your run.

8. Damn it no. That was just the crowded bars talking; a moment of sheer temporary insanity. Soon you will tire of being close to people and will need to hide on your couch. Keep the television.

9. Just say no to lipstick.  We’ve gone a year without wearing it due to the masks.  Your lips don’t need to be stained to look like you consumed a vat of wild cherries.  This is the time for a revolution.  

10.     Be kind to people.  But not the people who felt the election was stolen, Linda, the jerks who never drag in their trash cans, or the folks who think climate change is a hoax. 

11.  Never forget the time you got an adult pimple on your chin due to the moist air from wearing a mask, and YET YOU DIDN’T LOSE YOUR ELDERLY MOTHER TO A LIFE-THREATENING VIRUS. It wasn’t that bad, is what I’m saying.

12.  Wear pants with a zipper. 

13.  Don’t look surprised when people say “you seem so different!” but don’t explain exactly why.  It could be the sourdough bread bloat and lack of human interaction.  Just smile and say you did something to your hair.    

14.  Cut your hair.  Blow-dry your hair.  Do something –anything – with your God-forsaken hair.

15.  Start writing that book you put off. But then again, if you were locked at home for twelve months and didn’t do it, it’s highly doubtful you’ll start now.

16.  Floss.

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Internal Memo to Staff if POTUS fails to leave office (even if he loses)

August 5, 2020 By
“He is our hero!” we say to the media regardless of your true feelings about it.

Dear White House Staff and Interns:

This is an unprecedented time. We all got this job thinking it would look good on our resume. We may have believed POTUS was a little nuts, but we understood it was our job to make him look good. Did we know it would involve outright lying on a daily basis? Well, maybe. But we won’t have any credibility after this. The only job we are going to find is cleaning floors at the Fox News Headquarters. So we need to keep this President here! It’s the only gig we’re ever going to get that involves health insurance.

The rumor is that POTUS may not leave the Office of the President even though he loses, so we need an overall strategy. This is an all-hands on deck message, so everyone needs to speak with one voice. But we also need to deliver multiple and confusing messages to various news outlets at the same time. So remember, be consistent but also throw out multiple versions of the story.

First, we tell the general public POTUS has every intention to follow the rule of law. However, explain the laws always change, and he will follow whatever laws are technically on the books, which may mean an executive order allowing him to get away with not following the law, and then quote whatever law you can think of to throw them off track. TITLE VI! THE ADA! HIPAA! It doesn’t matter what laws, just make up some. No one cares about that stuff anymore. We just have to issue a statement that mentions the words “guns” and “America” and “steelworkers.”

Second, we tell the public that he’s coming out the door real soon, but he just had an important meeting with the Dictator of a foreign country who literally just threatened us with war, and he has already been in negotiations with that person, and it’s like when you watch most of the season of Homeland but you need to go ahead and finish up the season despite it being midnight and it being time for bed. That will buy us time. What foreign country, they may ask? Deflect! Show them the updated rose garden photos! Tell them Putin is calling! Also we all need to make sure we put down-payments on apartments for when this fire finally stops burning so we all won’t be living in our uncle’s basement.

Next, say he fell in the rose garden. Melania is updating it and there was a big open pit and despite it being shaped like a grave with orange roses planted around it was not, in fact, set up for him to fall but was a total accident and he can’t transfer power when he’s in the hospital. If anyone asks where Melania was during this time, do not mention the fact that she pointed and laughed. Hire a make-up artist to create worry lines on her face. Then pull up roses to put in your office as this is the only joy you’re going to have in the next six months.

Lastly, explain that POTUS saw the ratings and he believes people want a sequel to the first season of POTUS 45 so despite the fact that Biden may have “technically” won the election with “votes” we need to really pay attention to the ratings because that’s truly the voice of the people. And that’s what he cares about: the American People.

Honestly, everyone here needs to get 30-60 days-worth of their depression meds refilled and grab as much free stuff as you can from the White House kitchen. Maybe pocket one of those mugs with a presidential seal on it so when we are sitting in front of a grand jury, we can have something to sip water from.

Let’s all stay motivated! We all love our jobs!

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Things you Tell Your Personal Trainer that Do Not Further Your Goals

January 21, 2020 By
See? This woman is working out in a hat. Don’t judge me.
  • Instead of using 25-pound weights, how about I use five pound weights and just take into consideration air resistance.
  • Air resistance is really a thing.  
  • Can I just lean my body forward as if I’m climbing a hill instead of actually pushing the incline button on the treadmill? I’ll explain what I’m seeing on the journey, like tall trees, arctic tundra, and people down in the valley participating in a folk music festival.
  • I’m allergic to latex, so I’m afraid I can’t use those leg bands, sorry.
  • I’m allergic to metal, so I can’t even pick up those hand weights, sorry.
  • I think I may be allergic to exercise altogether.
  • What do you mean “go all out?”  My heart rate is 160 BPM. This is as far out as I go.
  • Instead of squats how about we just do little dips and I’ll sway my hips to the music.
  • What do you mean, lifting five pounds is not enough?  I’ll bet Gwyneth Paltrow only uses five pounds at a time. Just look at her.
  • Good point, Gwyneth only weighs 87 pounds.  
  • So when you say “do 15 reps” I think that roughly translates to eight, maybe nine I think.   
  • An hour workout seems extreme.  We need to reserve time for water and stretching and chatting about Real Housewives so let’s just make the actual physical activity part 27 min.
  • If I grunt super loud and grit my teeth, can we use less weight?   
  • I’m not going to balance my body on that spinning wheel and bring it to my chest to “work on my oblique muscles.”  Those muscles are just going to have to remain bleak.
  • I don’t think I’m a difficult person to work with. I’m just trying to be efficient.
  • I didn’t hear you about adding six extra reps.  That music is so loud!
  • I’m not losing weight.  What gives?

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Housekeeping Tips from Celebrities

April 22, 2019 By

Cleaning the house concept: hand holding a yellow sponge wet with foam on a black background

Gwyneth Paltrow

At our home, we only use all-natural, paraffin free, non-toxic cleaners made from starfruit and the bark from aspen trees, squeezed with a press and mixed with turmeric.  Sometimes we just take a moment and drink the solution as a colon cleanse. My child, Apple, is always asking for it as a refreshing hydration boost. When dusting shelves, take a towel that is slightly damp with lime-soaked mineral water and wipe your forehead with it, because #selfcare while housekeeping is important.  ALSO gobblygook beep boop sea lichen.

Editor’s note:  We think Gwyneth may have had a small stroke and some of her words weren’t making sense there at the end, but we believe it may have been because she hadn’t eaten in four days except for seven mushrooms and a rose pedal, which she said was for her complexion?

Cardi B

Here in my motherf**king house we don’t clean s**t because we have a mother**king girl that comes to the f**king house and cleans the f**king s**t around here and if you don’t like that you can *********

Editor’s note:  We were unable to transcribe the entire statement because it seemed to just be a run-on sentence there at the end full of expletives.  Literally one after another like a strand of f-bomb pearls, and we believe she may have used all of the words in her brain in the first sentence.  We gather she doesn’t like cleaning?  Does she like anything?  Does she know more than seven actual words? We don’t know. WE NEVER KNOW WITH THIS WOMAN.  

Martha Stewart

I pride myself in a clean home.  I always say to my daughter Alexis, “you must keep your home tidy and neat and always scrub with a toothbrush in the tiny crevices.”  She understands that perfection is the standard and that hasn’t hurt her one tiny bit in life.  Marie Kondo is a slob and frankly, a bad example.  We aren’t friends. Cleaning is not about joy, it’s about being able to eat off the floor.

Editor’s note:  We here at the publisher’s desk laughed and said “ha ha yeah right like you can eat on your floor” and she proceeded to eat a dinner of duck confit with braised chard and rosemary potatoes on the porcelain bathroom tile and now she’s kinda our hero? We’re so sorry, Marie.

Lady Gaga

I love to clean.  You simply take a dry cloth and wipe down the grammy.  See here, how I’m holding up this grammy to the light and it sparkles?  If there is any dust that collects on your grammy, just continue wiping it down and keeping it in a case, and if you need to clean the house you simply put the grammy in one hand and thank the academy and with the other hand you call someone and say “hello this is Lady Gaga I won a grammy” and they will come over with something like buckets and brooms I don’t know let’s talk more about how to dust this thing.

Editor’s note:  She won a grammy.

Lin Manuel-Miranda

Alexander Hamilton
My name is Alexander Hamilton
And there’s a million thing I haven’t done
But just you wait, just you wait

I can clean the dinner plate

Moved in with a cousin, the cousin committed suicide
Left him with nothing but ruined pride, something new inside
A voice saying, “Alex you gotta wash that tub”
So he retreated and cheated and started to scrub

Editor’s note:  We are no experts, but this appears to be the song from Hamilton with words changed.  All he did was dance around and wave his hands in the air, so we aren’t sure if he was saying the founding fathers cleaned their houses or whether he actually does or whether this was all just an analogy for a larger truth.  It can be interpreted several ways.  He’s a genius.

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A Mother’s Contract *not legally binding in all states

March 21, 2019 By

 

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WHEREAS a mother forms human life completely inside of her own body but for a man’s sperm, eats chicken fingers due to raging salty cravings, and pushes a life form out of a small crevice that was formally used for recreational purposes;

WHEREAS a mother is responsible for the training, nutrition, and education of child (except for when mom has a Migraine or the child’s being a real pain); and

WHEREAS child doesn’t really care and simply wants mother to take him/her to soccer practice and allow for sufficient time on Minecraft,

NOW, THEREFORE, in consideration of the mutual covenants and conditions herein contained, the parties agree to the following:

Section 1: Term

This contract shall be in effect upon the uncomfortable screaming event that when child made its debut breathing air (“Child’s Birthday”) and shall last until the mother’s death and/or until the child says “my therapist says you are toxic and I need to cut you out of my life” (“Termination Date”).

Section 2: Duties of Parties

Duties of Mother:

(1) Mother shall hereinafter and at all times love child except from the ages of 12-15 when the mother shall simply tolerate and barely like them on certain days they aren’t yelling “for heavens sakes mom please don’t drop off us off so close to school” or crying about pimples / premenstrual cramps;

(2) Mother shall cook for children daily and/or buy them food and/or simply set out plates of crackers and cheese and say “it’s this or starvation, kiddos, because it’s been that kind of day;” and

(3) Mother shall drive them places, listen to their daily stories, ensure they do just enough chores to hear them complain, punish them when appropriate, and say “I understand this is hard for you” when they say “you really are the most strict and cruel parenting figure that has ever lived.”

Duties of Children:

(1) Attend school (sometimes)

(2) Eat mom’s food (unless it’s meatloaf, fish, olives, or anything with “that gross cheese in it”)

(3) Play videogames

(4) Complain

(5) Half-ass their chores

Section 3: Compensation

Mother gets paid only in sticky valentine’s cards that say “I love you, mommy!!” as well as cold eggs and some barely toasted bread covered in butter the children bring on a tray into her bed on Mother’s Day.  No one will remember Mother’s birthday, any important event in her life, and will let her sleep in on weekends except the times they knock on her bedroom door at 7 am to see if they can use the ipad.  However, Mother shall receive a coupon for a “free foot rub” that no child ever intends her to cash in on.  When they are teenagers they will mutter “yeah, you too” when she says I love you, which in a way is a form of emotional payment.

Section 4: Incentive Payment

There will be a one-time payment when children grow up and have their own children, which will make them realize how hard their mother worked and how patient she was, and will say “wow mom, we never realized it was this hard” as Mother visits and helps fold burp pads, going the grocery store and preparing seventeen freezer meals.  This is the extent of the payment, this weak acknowledgment of not realizing a Mother’s true worth, but it’s something?

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, the parties have executed this Agreement not under sound mind or body because if Mother knew all the terms of this agreement she would never, ever sign it.  And yet here we go.

 

__________________

Mother’s Signature

__________________

Just include an image of child’s footprint out of craft paint and stamp it here, because that makes a lot of damn sense

 

 

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Filed Under: Humor, Motherhood, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , ,

Using Words Wrong to Save Time + Words

March 12, 2019 By

“At a recent round table meeting of business executives, & long after formally introducing Tim Cook of Apple, I quickly referred to Tim + Apple as Tim/Apple as an easy way to save time & words. The Fake News was disparagingly all over this, & it became yet another bad Trump story!”

-President of the United States, The Donald, Man of Few Words

We need to cut the President some slack. He’s running this nation.  He’s a very busy man, and cannot be bothered with things that take time PLUS contain words.  That’s a lot to deal with.  I mean it’s Monday.  Tanning day.   Hamberders.  Hungry.

Okay, sure. It actually takes longer to create an online rant on twitter using your thumbs on an outdated apple phone (see above / contact Tim Apple) indicating why you didn’t say this one word by instead using fifty-two words, but he has his reasons!

We all need more time plus less words.  Let’s try this at home:

Let’s go grab lunch at the French bakery=                 LUNCH FRENCH

I’ve had a headache since Tuesday=                          HEAD TUESDAY

What a cute blue dress your kid is wearing=             BLUE KID

It’s like an entirely new (nonsensical) language!  Look at all those words we saved!

 

THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT.

 YOUR IDEA STUPID

(short for “thank you for your helpful idea which makes us better people and less stupid on all fronts!”)

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